Moral Courage … and Mikvah

     Moral Courage … and Mikvah  — What an odd combination.  But that is where this period in my life is leading me!  I’m taking an Independent Study 2 credit hours on Morality/Ethics in the workplace and the book Moral Courage in Organizations: Doing the Right Thing at Work is a considerable reading assignment.  The first reading for the course was LEADERSHIP SECRETS FROM THE BIBLE Chapter 1.  It was a good place to start.  Chapter One addresses Honesty and Integrity and that we all look for that in our leaders.  And, I would add, what we all look for in ourselves.  And, once we have sacrificed that in our lives, anywhere, how can we “get it back”???!!!  Well there is a reference in this chapter about the story of Zacchaeus (New Testament Luke 19:108), and the discussion opens with “The story of Zacchaeus shows us that people who have lost their integrity can find it again.”  What doors this sentence opened up for me!  In all my reflections of the last two years and accepting what I perceive as my role and responsibility in the degradation of my marriage and life, I’ve been suffering through these feelings of compromised personal dignity and integrity.  I see now that I’ve literally been EATING my self disappointment.  It’s refreshing to speak of it as only in context to myself because, regardless of actual circumstances, the only one I can or should reflect on and move forward with…is ME!  While I didn’t relate totally to the Zacchaeus story, this one sentence and specifically the statement that no matter what loss you feel occurred you can find and have your dignity back again….phew…this changed everything I’ve been reflecting on for me!

     Actually I’m changing from reflection to more positive “action”…knowing I can have my integrity/dignity back, what do I want/need to do to ceremoniously or ritually make that happen!  So, without even getting to the reading on Moral Courage yet, I began investigating what steps I needed to take to have a spiritual/ritual divorce or detachment from my past.  I do not need a GIT (Jewish Divorce Decree) because my ex-husband never converted to Judaism and so even though we were married by a Rabbi, it is not required.  And then I came upon the Charlotte Goldberg Community Mikvah ( http://www.clevelandmikvah.org/ ) which is supported by a consortium of Cleveland synagogues, of which mine is a participant.  I’ve never been to a Mikvah (ritual bath), but as I continue with my religious and Judaic studies, Mikvahs and ceremonial cleansing via living waters, is a real and nearly universal religious ritual and practice.

     I read this on their website as one of the purposes of Mikvah:  Beginning anew by marking the end of shivah, divorce, rape, abuse or recovery after illness    BEGINNING ANEW; finding lost dignity/integrity…..hmmm….these things seem to so amply tie together and to tie into exactly what I’m feeling I need just now.

     Unlike my Leadership Secrets from the Bible chapter, my desire to partake in this ritual isn’t to necessarily make me a better or more effective Leader….but then again it is to be a better leader of my own future and destiny.  It is a ceremonious reminder that I am now officially “in charge” and can choose to move forward in whatever I way I see fit.  I know a part of me has never let go of that which I hold truly dear and important, but I know I also overlooked, went along with, and/or participated in or accepted behaviors I find reprehensible in the interest of preserving my marriage and/or my family or maybe just to not view myself or my adult life as a failure even though I felt it was.  

     Studying The Book of Job last year and his absolute insistence that he hold onto his integrity and acceptance of whatever was delivered of him left me feeling a bit inadequate in that for the last 10 or 12 years I questioned daily how I was to continue living in ways that I found disgusting or at the very least unwell.  When Job’s wife even said he should no longer stick to his principles he admonished her and my favorite line from the storye “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” brought it back to reality.  The Leadership book chapter refers to this same passage and points out how excellent leaders can hold on to their integrity.  But for me, I needed the Zacchaeus line more because in my mind I had already sacrificed my dignity and integrity…so simply being told that I could get it/have it back changes everything for me.

     Leadership in an organization is NOT DIFFERENT than Leadership in any other area of our lives.  But, we need to accept that we must be Leaders of our own lives.  With that intact, we can recover from anything because we are not handing it over to anyone (except maybe God for some of us depending on how we practice our faith), and we can Lead ourselves in honesty and integrity.  And that includes who we put and/or keep in our lives.  I am so fortunate in this realm that, aside from an extremely small number (two specifically come to mind!), my life is filled with people who exercise integrity and honestly and a desire to live that way on a daily basis.

     Lastly, the Leadership Secrets from the Bible chapter has a sub-chapter entitled Who’s Watching, Anyway? it says “And if you are a leader with a conscience, you are watching yourself”  and ends with the Biblical Lessons on Honesty and Integrity, two of which I really identify with:  Honesty and integrity pay off long-term, though they may involve losses and sacrifices short term; and Act as if someone else with more power than you is watching.

     This is a long way to discuss my desire and need for the Mikvah; the ritual cleansing; the washing off of the old/dirty/bad and the passageway on my journey anew!

     This all sounds so deep and heavy.  But it with excitement and relief that I can take another step, whether simply a ritual representation or not, toward a clean restart!