11/21/13 November Flies Away

November is certainly flying away!  As Thanksgiving approaches I know we all have so much to be grateful for.  I’m finding that it’s the intangibles that I’m leaning toward in the gratitude department these days!  I’m finding that, when I let go of stress, etc., that I really am a fairly simple person and giving in to my own true nature and feelings about things, I’m tickled by the simplest things.

Last night I came home to my Baja under the patio for the winter!  My friend Frank put it there for me so that son Michael could keep his car in the garage for the winter and yet my beloved Baja wouldn’t be just “out in the weather” getting battered.  Last year, what tickled me about my patio was putting up the “snow fencing”.  I’ve wanted to put that up for years on the patio to prevent Fall’s leaves from filling the patio up and it finally dawned on my last year that I could just “do” that.  It sounds ridiculous to say that here…but yes it did take over a year for me to realize that I could now do what I wasn’t “allowed” to do in the 20+ years we lived in this house!  It’s MY house, well mine and the banks!  And immediately upon being installed — I began the install on my own and then my son and my friend Frank (yes Frank and his fiance’ Terrie have been involved in most of the positive project completions since my divorce!), came to the rescue and helped me finish it up — the warmth and protection it brought to the patio and back of the house was instantly apparent!  So that was last year’s hurrah!  This year, moving the truck under there is such a cool thing to do.  The snow plow guys won’t have anything in their way when clearing my driveway which further simplifies things.  It looks like it was designed for this winter purpose!  And, I know it’s silly, but I’m just loving it!  Of course I’ve put a picture in here!

Second tickler for November is the  photo i took last night of my poodles, Sonny and Pebbles, sharing the doggie bed!  Another silly thing to be sol tickled about I guess.  But it stands for a bunch of different things for me.  I took the stairs away from my bed so they don’t climb up and sleep there.  I’ve never been big on them sleeping there, but they (and I suppose me too) were rather lost when I became sole-owner of the room, that I somehow decided that would bring them (and me again I suppose!) comfort and, of course, the king size bed had plenty of room!  I did always put down a cover on that portion of the sheet so they’d “know their place” and not be entitled to encroach onto “all” of the bed, but I also didn’t want them to become permanent residents there either!  And without the steps, they can’t come up there (even though Sonny still tries!) because they’re too small and getting too old and un-nimble!

I will say, re-looking over that picture, makes me know that when I return from my European vacation coming up (yay!), I am definitely going to get rid of the paneling in the bedroom–half of which was started many many many many years ago by my “ex” and, along with nearly everything else, never completed, and never a subject I was allowed to broach or approach for a myriad of reason not worthy of space in my personal blog and thoughts any longer!  However, that’s my first thought after thinking how adorable the dogs are for sharing the bed together!  They usually have been teeter-tottering on who got their first and the other laid on the piece next to it on the “hard” floor — poodles are spoiled!  So yes I thought it was adorable that they shared; I snapped a pic of it, even posted it to Facebook, but then thought “ugh, the paneling’, and though, WAIT A MINUTE, I can actually do something about the “ugh”!  And so I will!

Lastly, when writing to a friend a little email today, I was sort of summing things up with what I’ve been really working hard at overcoming these past months, and I actually liked seeing it summarized in a succint way.  Here’s the gist of it:

A former “Lila” had already (at least I think so) reconciled myself to being “me” with or without someone and (so I thought) understood and appreciated me.  How easily I fell into a routine and role of subservience and/or discomfort with being me, sort of amazes me looking back.  It is convenient, and not untrue, to associate much of it with personality, manipulation, alcoholism and at the very least intolerance and dysfunction by and from my ex-spouse and in my marriage, but I accept the responsibility of falling into that pattern and belief, or lack thereof, in myself.  I can say that motherhood, multiple moves due to military life, post-natal depression which I now believe I did suffer after my second son was born, and well just life and needs in general further contributed.  But the bottom line is, for whatever reason, I did not, or could not, snap myself out of it permanently or completely.  I think I did a darned good job of being a wife and mother and employee and civil servant/volunteer even in the wake of all this!  I am proud of who I am in spite of being ashamed of things I acquiesced to.   I obviously “ate” a lot of angst/anguish, but did manage to keep some level of status quo most of the time.  And, fortunately, I have so many happy wonderful memories, experiences, trips and tribulations to more than fill my life with!  I don’t need or have to go to the sad stuff, or the end stuff to keep myself going.  I did have to reside there for some time…I guess that’s another part of who I am!  And the silliest of things take me there every now and then.  But it’s less and less and isn’t painful or self-defeating any longer…..thank goodness!

Coming up, my trip to Europe!  I’m SO EXCITED!!!!

A Summer Patio — A Winter Carport!!!