Anticipation is making me WAIT; it’s keeping me WAITING!

   The power of “Anticipation” is visible in me every day!  I’m ready to embark on my Interfaith study trip to Israel.  It’s no small miracle that it’s almost exactly 2 years since my first ever, Jewish Touris trip.  I had never been to Israel and thought it’d be “one of those” life dreams that enever got achieved.  In truth,I have very few of those unfufilled life dreams and, at this point in my life (still 55 years old for a few more months at least!), I’m lucky to be able to honestly reflect and say so.

   Oftentimes the anticipation IS the excitement of the trip or adventure.  But, as I get older, and enjoy my own company more, I’m choosing to enjoy the actual moments of the dream more fully than I did in the past.  More fully than you ever really can when you’re sharing it on whatever level with another human being.  I’m not harshened to love, romance, partnership or even travel with others, but there is an honest revelation that when “sharing” a personal dream, it can often be diminishing of the experience.  It doesn’t have to be and, of course, the right travel companion or the right partner probably makes all the difference.  A brokenness in my resulted in enough of the loss of self that I became more concerned with the other’s experience of “my dream” that often the dream was much less so.

   I think when I became a mother, I of course tried to see the world through the developmental eyes of my children; but other parts of my life weren’t so hot and so I think I poured my mothering skills (or perceived mothering skills–probably depending on who you talk to!) into trying to make and ensure his happiness consistenly without regard to whether or not I had any.  I lost myself completely.  My “hobbies” or free time was spend grocery shopping or the occasional outing with sisters, or time with my mom following the kids around to their stuff, but very little else of substance.  I wouldn’t trade any of the sister/mother time, or any of the time spent watching my kids, my nieces, nephews, etc.  And, in truth, I wouldn’t even trade my pathetic, unsuccessful attempts at making someone else happy even though it ended up futile and agonizingly improper in the end, because, a part of me can hold myself up proudly knowing, however poorly the outcome, I TRIED!

   Betrayal if a funny thing.  It never leaves you.  The severity of it lessens; the impact it has on your day-to-day existence lightens.  But it never goes away.  You know you’ve been betrayed and you spend the rest of your time trying to believe you weren’t the true cause of it, but never really being convinced so.  Well, that is all true if you are me!  I’m sure it’s not true for everyone!  But my perspective is what I have to work with!

   Work is good; school is good; friends and family are good; my poodles are good! Not much more a person can ask for really….and I mean that.  

   So now, Israel is coming soon.  And I can’t wait to see it through the Interfaith lens.  But, I also am so happy to go back to Shabbat at the Wall and a chance for some quiet reflection in a very holy and ancient place.  I’m in such a different place in my mind, heart and soul than 2 short years ago.  And I’m grateful.  🙂

שלום