Who am I?

This will be short (at first!).  Certainly not because I’m short on words or thoughts, but mostly because I still can’t figure out wordpress.com enough to know how to do any of this!

First and foremost, I am a MoM!  I am also a die-hard feminist which almost makes me laugh that I so proudly hail myself as MoM before anything else!  The Lila of 1976 would never have thought that could or would be the case.  I always envisioned myself being a mom, but being the MoM who adores as well as likes her two sons so completely as I do was never even conceivable to me.  I know my parents loved me, but they were not expressive of it ways useful and identifiable to me — especially if and when I disappointed them…which I managed to do completely I believe!

I’m, gratefully, no longer married.  Proud that I endured 25-1/2 years with a “behind closed doors” misery no one could ever imagine.  My sons experienced more of it than I ever realized or I’d have probably left years earlier; however, I spent years and years trying to ‘fluff the pillows’ and make them believe he was a decent father/man and the same 25 years  trying to convince him what a great set of sons they were.  Seems I failed all the way around.  We probably all do when we work so hard against natural truths.  Ashamed that I didn’t stand up and walk out; ashamed that my sons experienced humiliations and unfair treatments; ashamed that I allowed someone to vilify, denigrate, demean and hurt me emotionally and physically/sexually.  Most of all, I’m ashamed that I spent all that time thinking that was all I deserved….and I still cannot see myself experiencing anything better…but…as my attorney told me when he met us…ALONE IS BETTER than what I was going through. And he is right.  Except where I did not send the best example to my sons.  Gratefully, they had many family members whose spouses love them and they got good examples of love, respect, consideration, kindness and SOBRIETY.