12/22/2013 DREAM ANALYSIS Please!

Writing this down right away…not wasting a second as part of me wants to look for some serious dream analysis; part of me just wants to save some of the picture/memory of this forever; and most of me already know what all of this means and suddenly as I’m typing this, tears are streaming out of my eyes one at a time. NO I’m not crying!  Water is just falling from my face!  Oh wait, sniffling too…ok, it’s crying!

Sleeping in has been difficult and the jet lag has been long-standing this year.  I’m exhausted by 7pm (which of course is 1am in Europe!) and up and WIDE awake at 4am (which if course equates to 10am in Europe!).  This of course is not surprising and I’ve been fighting to get back into our time zone.  It hasn’t been awful or unpleasant…it’s just been a longer adjustment than I’m used to.

I got up as I have been quite early this morning.  But it’s Sunday and so I made myself go back to bed.  But I turned the TV back on and PBS had a show by Deepak Chopra “What are you hungry for” regarding health and weightloss.  I fell asleep to this but I assume it was an infomercial selling a program of his because I woke up to him talking about a bracelet (one of those rubber bands) that said “What are you hungry for” on it and said the kit included two; one for you and one to share and that if you used that and asked that question for a very short period of time that alone would begin to help on the journey to shed pounds, etc!  This is background and damn near explains the whole dream I suspect!  But I’m writing this as it’s flowing out of my thoughts, not writing to necessarily make sense!

I was at school; but I think I was “just a student” not a student and full-time employee.  But I was originally listening to a voicemail about work and finances now that I think of it, but part of the voicemail was asking me to take the lead on a very important initiative and that it would follow with information about the initiative, which ended up being Deepak Chopra on a recording,, but I couldn’t pause it, I couldn’t stop it, and next thing I knew I was in a golf cart or a car (not sure which) and it was still playing, only now over the radio, but it never stopped, just continued on and on….and then I was picking up a rider: DEEPAK CHOPRA!  He got in and we introduced and said hello and I tried desperately to turn off the radio/recording and it would NOT shut off.  Several people, including some past coworkers, had seen me trying to stop it!  But they were emotionless watching me.  And there I was, being Lila, explaining how I loved having this available to listen to but it needs to be stoppable and re-startable so I can listen to it effectively, yada yada yada.

But we kept driving and then someone came up to our vehicle (which for some reason at this time was something of a cross between a jeep and a golf cart!  And he was somehow there to meet/greet Deepak Chopra as well; he got it.  I backed out to drive further and drove past an entry way to see my father, in his dark green tweed wool suit coat, looking smart as he did in suit, with the double windsor knot in his tie, and his glasses on with some papers in his hand.  He didn’t see me, I drove away, then realized I needed to not drive away that way.  First of all Deepak Chopra needed to go to the same place I had seen my dad and secondly, that I was an OK college person and didn’t need to run just because I saw my father….

I had to actually pass him as we drove to wherever it was Mr. Chopra and his guest were to be dropped off.  I dropped them off; then I seemed to be in a parking garage ..which has happened before in dreams….I find myself in a parking garage not trapped really, just delayed in getting out!  Then I drove to where my father was.  We had, I think, seen each other when I passed by.

I went to him.  He had several papers with my name on them with attendance lists/dates and courses I had taken, finished and not finished, etc.  I saw that; said I’d be right back and sort of walked away smiling.  I had to go back to that vehicle and shut off Deepak Chopra!!!  I shut the radio off, this time it went off with no problem, and I went back to sit with my dad.  As I was walking to/from my car, I was feeling GOOD inside and out.  I realized that whatever was on that paper, was GOOD, not bad.  Sure I had withdrawn from some classes, but I have completed 80 hours of the 120 hours toward my degree and with a high GPA as well….  I was heading to see my dad with confidence.

When I got to see me, I’m struggling now to see how our greeting went.  I can’t tell if we hugged, kissed, or whatever.  But it was pleasant.  And he had the papers and began to ask some questions, but, before he could ask, I got to tell him, sort of explain to him, what they meant, and how well I have done.  I only remember him being calm, and glad.  And there was no real confrontation, so I was glad too.  I remember the first thing I said to him was “how do you like my university”?  And I have a clear vision of him with his glasses looking at the papers.

The last memories I have before “waking up” totally, were of him, and me, heading back to our vehicles.  And then I woke up to the “What are you hungry for” bracelets at the end of the Deepak Chopra show which was I think an hour long show…so in the end, I was obviously not in a very deep deep sleep!  And, I guess I may well have my answer of what I’m hungry for……

This was definitely a dream; and not a relationship I had or remember with my father at all.  He was a very responsible and well-respected man.  He was a good and responsible provider.  He worked hard all our lives; and he worked hard even in his retirement.  he was very handy and the fixer-upper at home and made things last long and used/reused stuff to “make it last and work”.  I don’t ever remember him buying a new lawnmower for example!  He could be very funny/silly and he could be very loud/angry.  I have childhood memories of him laying on the living room floor watching TV and me not being the least bit afraid or apprehensive or afraid of him.  And I have older child memories of not wanting to be near him at all.  I remember going up into my bedroom when he’d drive in, and coming down only after I was either called down or I could discern his “mood”, etc.   I do not remember him being personally interested, good or bad, in my performance at school or anywhere else really…unless it negatively impacted his standing. And if you negatively impacted him…look out!

I’m not saying he didn’t love me, or all my brothers and sisters.  I’m only saying that I don’t think he cared for me much one way or the other really.  And, well, maybe it’s not coincidence that falling asleep to a show called “What are you hungry for” elicited a dream about my dad being interested in me……

And maybe I’ve finally got my answer about why I do this blog too!  Because, whether or not anyone reads it, heck I barely ever go back and look at it, lol, but it’s filled with stuff I have to say and share if anybody is interested!  Not just the day-to-day ho hum, which I’m blessed to be able to share with so many wonderful family and friends, but real documentation of “stuff” that sometimes just has to pour out of me to make sense!

So no, I’m not hungry for a daddy who loves me in the way I see necessary and meaningful…that was my first thought here!  We ALL have that sort of sense I think…that someone did not love us and/or fully understand us as we had hoped; but I’m hungry for that feeling of self assuredness/confidence/pride to face someone when questioned.  That few seconds in the dream when I initially turned the wrong way and then had that mini conversation with myself and turned around because I knew that whatever he saw on that transcript, I DID NOTHING WRONG…and that it was filled with a real live track record of what I’ve done RIGHT! And that I could turn around, unafraid, and just have a conversation!  I’m hungry for a better feeling of self-accomplishment, self-pride, self-satisfaction in a mature and healthy manner….without the added sense that I’m sure there’s some dark cloud, dark shadow or sense of failure mixed in.

Hmmm…I think I get it!  And, also know that only I can give myself that. That reality should make me very happy…because I love when people count on me to get things accomplished…so I just need to turn that around and appreciate the fact that I have me to count on!

So happy for the holidays, and for what and who I have to celebrate them with!  OX